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The doctor answers, "Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."

The man goes home and tries it out. 
He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what’s for dinner?" 
He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.
"Honey, what’s for dinner?" 
Still no answer. 
He repeats this several times, until he’s standing just a few feet away from her.
Finally, she answers,
"For the eleventh time, I said we’re having MEATLOAF!"
A man is talking to the family doctor, 
"Doc, I think my wife’s going deaf."
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A man went to his lawyer and told him, 
"My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up. 
What should I do?"
"Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer.
"Nope," replied the man. 
"OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £1,000 he owed you," said the lawyer. 
"But it’s only £500," replied the man.
"Precisely. 
That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!"
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I CORRECT AUTOCORRECT
MORE THAN AUTOCORRECT
CORRECTS ME.
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. 
After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. 
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. 
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. 
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. 
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe." 
But what does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. 
"Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
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You can say "Have a nice day." and no problem.

But you can't say "Enjoy the next 24 hours!" and not sound vaguely threatening.
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There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim.

When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?"
The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me."

A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, 
"Hey, do you need help?"
The preacher replied again, "No God will save me."

Eventually the preacher drowned and went to heaven.
The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?"
God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"
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You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. 
They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. 
The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. 
They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again.
Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... 
Only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
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Why is it acceptable for babies to cry  in public but I can't?
I have more reasons than them...
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A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 
"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! 
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. 

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer" the father says.
"We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her."

Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 
"Like hell they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this!"

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm
calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."
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He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks "hmmmm... all these sevens... I think the universe is trying to tell me something."

So feeling that maybe this is his lucky day, the man cuts out early from work and goes to the race track. He reads the racing schedule and sees that in the seventh race horse # 7 is called "Lucky Universe". The man can't believe it. He runs up to the teller and bets all his money on the horse.

The horse came in seventh.
A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.
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I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.

"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"

"To buy groceries," I told him.

"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just one dollar, and I’d go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles of milk, a can of coffee and a box of tea."

He shrugged and paused.

"Times have changed and ya can’t do that now," he told me. "Too many security cameras."
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