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A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 
"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! 
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. 

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer" the father says.
"We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her."

Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 
"Like hell they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this!"

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm
calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."
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He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks "hmmmm... all these sevens... I think the universe is trying to tell me something."

So feeling that maybe this is his lucky day, the man cuts out early from work and goes to the race track. He reads the racing schedule and sees that in the seventh race horse # 7 is called "Lucky Universe". The man can't believe it. He runs up to the teller and bets all his money on the horse.

The horse came in seventh.
A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.
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I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.

"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"

"To buy groceries," I told him.

"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just one dollar, and I’d go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles of milk, a can of coffee and a box of tea."

He shrugged and paused.

"Times have changed and ya can’t do that now," he told me. "Too many security cameras."
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ALWAYS TELL SOMEONE HOW YOU FEEL, BECAUSE OPPORTUNITIES ARE LOST IN THE BLINK 
OF AN EYE,
BUT REGRET CAN LAST A LIFETIME.
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Words can't describe how beautiful you are.
But numbers can. 4/10.
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Police: where do you live?
Percy: with my mom.
Police: where does your mom live?
Percy: with me.
Police: where do you both live?
Percy: together.
Police: where is you house?
Percy: next to my neighbours.
Police: where is your neighbours house?
Percy: if I told you, you won't believe me.
Police: tell me.
Percy: next to my house.
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IF YOU STAY, STAY FOREVER. IF YOU GO, DO IT TODAY. IF YOU CHANGE, CHANGE FOR THE BETTER.
AND IF YOU TALK, MAKE SURE YOU MEAN WHAT YOU SAY.
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IT'S THE WILL
NOT THE SKILL.
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I DIG, YOU DIG, 
WE DIG, HE DIG, 
SHE DIG, THEY DIG...

IT'S NOT A BEAUTIFUL POEM
BUT IT'S VERY DEEP.
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The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Very little."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says "One".

The boss says "Just One? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$165,000".

The boss says "$165,000? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing.’ "
A young student looking for a job goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store.
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IMAGINE
YOUR MESSAGE HERE
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